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Monday, January 04, 2010

Enquirer validates “Psychics,” plus Bullsh!t prophecies from The Dean

Posted by The Dean of Cincinnati

Can people really predict the future?  Perhaps you believe in such magical thinking, but for the rest of the rational world the answer is an obvious “No.”  For The Enquirer, fortune-telling is not only realistic, it is the stuff of objective news!  Just check out the recent item “Fort Thomas psychic predicts 2010.”  The item, by “Enquirer Contributor” Ryan Clark, acts as if fortune-telling consists of undisputed facts!

Just check out his opening paragraph:

She’s always known she’s had the gift, ever since she was a little girl and saw her dead grandmother at the foot of her bed. Even then she was just able to do little things, like predict when the phone would ring. Later, she began to be able to tell people what would happen in the future.

Clark doesn’t write “She always thought she’s had the gift,” or “...she says she was just able to do little things, like predict when the phone would ring.”  Instead, he presents these things as if they are totally true.  I’d like to see the fact-checking file on that one!

Anyway, here are each of “Psychic Jill’s” predictions for 2010, along with my own predictions—which I think are much more accurate because I am more magical than Psychic Jill. 

On the topic of the overall state of the world: “I have a much better feel for 2010,” she said. “It seems we’ve been in gloom and doom for so long, I see the sun coming up for the whole world. It’s a much happier year. There are new beginnings and new romances - people who never thought they would find love will do so. I feel like there will be a spiritual awakening this year. I also see that the Pope will get ill, with potential heart problems, and there will be an engagement in the Royal Family.”

Psychic Jill has it all wrong.  It will not be a happier year globally, in terms of peace for people currently terrorized by war.  However, several individuals in industrialized and privileged nations will find it easier to go shopping again.

The economy: “Money situations are going to become easier,” she said. “It will all lighten up. Job-wise, the economy is going to open up.”

Psychic Jill is partially correct on this one, but she forgot to mention that for several families things are going to get worse before they get better.

President Obama: “The man is under such a microscope, and I feel like that will not let up,” she said. “I feel like he bit off more than he could chew. People thought things would be wonderful, and they still won’t be in this upcoming year. I feel like he is a great man, but it will take at least another year before things seem to go his way.”

President Obama, moving further toward the arch-conservative right, will continue to do what’s required by his corporate paymasters, but the corporate media feeding his mythology will continue to miss the story.  Meanwhile, people will still walk around with his face on t-shirts.

America at war: “I don’t see an end to the wars,” she said. “Possibly in two years, but not in the upcoming year.”

There will be no end to the wars.  Not in two years, either.

The Reds this season: “They are going to start off very slow, so much so that people lose interest,” she said. “Then, in mid-season, they are going to pull a rabbit out of their hat and they will turn things around. Still, I don’t see them as a playoff team.”

No, the Reds are going to have a season marked by on-again/off-again inconsistencies.  They will not make the playoffs, though for a short period near the middle of the season some fans will think they have a chance.

The myth that 2012 will bring about the end of the world: “I don’t buy it,” she said. “I see my grandbaby - who is 3 - getting married and having children. I see a lot of joy there. People are getting scared for no reason.”

Well, she got this one right—but of course the Mayan calendar hysteria is all nonsense, too.

So how does the Enquirer end this piece?  With this line:  “Want to set up a reading with Psychic Jill? E-mail her at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

That’s right, after reporting on fortune-telling as factual, they actually encourage people to set up “readings.”


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  1. .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) says:

    I predict more layoffs and furloughs at the Enquirer while CityBeat manages to have a pretty good year.

  2. Bearman says:

    I predict Jay Z, Cher, Kiss, or Barbara Streisand will say they are retiring from music…again!!

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