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Sunday, October 28, 2007
The Philosopher, Ten Years, and Toilet Paper
Posted by The Dean of Cincinnati
A friend of mine has a degree in philosophy, and every once in a while we we talk philosophically with one another—sometimes for fun, sometimes with total seriousness. Then there are times when, upon first examination, the subject seems absurd, but then it grows on me—and in fact one conversation with this philosopher has stuck with me for some time. The topic is on the one hand crude, and on the other an insight into human habit. It will challenge you to consider the manner with which you approach your lifestyle, and the degree to which you succeed (or fail) at improving in a general sense from the experience of living.
My friend, the philosopher, asked me if I thought people would improve at something if they did it regularly for their entire lives.
My first instinct was to think the question a trick—one cannot, for example, improve at breathing or beating one’s heart, though we all do that regularly throughout life. However, this philosopher’s question was no trick. He clarified that he meant conscious actions over which we have total control, and even those for which we may develop some technique.
So I answered this philosopher; I told him I believed people would improve if they practiced a certain activity over the course of a lifetime.
And then the philosopher asked me about an activity I had never really considered before—the wiping of one’s ass.
“You’ve been wiping your ass for decades,” he told me. “But have you really gotten any better at it, especially in the last ten years? Have you, in the last decade, developed any new techniques or new styles, which you find more effective at getting the job completed?”
I realized, almost immediately, that I have not improved in the last ten years at wiping my own ass. Day after day, I engage this crude activity with regular mindlessness, totally oblivious as to how one might improve at the task.
As I pondered the philosopher’s question further, a quick insight hit me: I remembered, a couple years ago, running out of toilet paper and using one of my baby’s wet-wipes to do the deed. I found the wet-wipe to be delightfully refreshing, though part of me was embarrassed to have used it.
I offered my experience with the wet-wipe to the philosopher, who quickly indicated that was an improvement in material, but not in technique.
So I was forced to conclude that decades of ass-wiping have not garnished a single insight in how to improve my overall approach. I am not better at wiping my ass at 32 years of age, than I was at 22 years, and maybe even no better than at 12 years.
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28 Oct 2007 at 10:38 am | #
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How can one improve on a perfect ‘ass-whole’ ?
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28 Oct 2007 at 01:19 pm | #
I was actually hoping this would maybe have a point.
28 Oct 2007 at 01:38 pm | #
There are at least three different reasons we might consider as to why the Dean has not become a more skilled ass wiper over the course of the last decade or more.
First, it may be the case that with certain activities there is a level of competence that, once achieved, cannot be succeeded. Perhaps this is the case with ass wiping, and perhaps the Dean is a virtuoso ass wiper (i.e., perhaps nobody can wipe ass any better than he does).
To test this hypothesis empirically we could organize an ass wiping contest, but there may be difficulties in fairly constructing such a contest. E.g., each contestant would have to begin with a comparably beshitted ass. Let us then imaginatively construct the contest in a thought experiment. Let us all imagine that the Dean is a proficient ass wiper. Now, do we imagine that there are people who are better than the Dean at wiping their respective asses? If we imagine so, then we must imagine criteria by which we would judge a contest among a field of participants, each of whom is a competent adult ass wiper whose beshitted ass is comparable to her fellows. One criterion could be cleanliness of the ass post wiping (on a scale, say, from 1 to 10, 10 being maximally clean); perhaps number of wipes could be another, or squares of toilet paper used.
Considering the above, it seems that there is a limit to how good one could be at wiping one’s ass. Logically, the best possible ass wiper is one who consistently manages to get her substantially beshitted ass maximally clean, wiping just once, and using only one single-ply square. However, such performance, while logically possible, seems unlikely given the actual nature of toilet paper, fecal matter, and asses. Probably world-class ass wipers are those who regularly get their respective beshitted asses well cleaned (say, an 8.5 or 9 on our cleanliness scale) using just two or three strokes and only about six to ten squares of single-ply toilet paper.
Is the Dean a world-class ass wiper? Maybe so. If he is, is he likely to improve with more practice? I would say no, just because he has reached the threshold of how good he can get at wiping his own ass. So, we have seen that with some activities (like ass wiping) once a certain skill level is reached, one cannot get any better just because the nature of the activity is such that maximal skill levels are acquirable, and once acquired cannot be improved upon.
Now let us consider a second reason as to why the Dean has not improved as an ass wiper over time. We will say that the Dean is not a world-class ass wiper. If this is the case, why has he not improved with practice? It may be that he lacks some inherent quality that world-class ass wipers possess. It may be that world-class ass wipers have more nerve endings touching upon the anal region. Endowed with greater sensitivity in that area, a world-class ass wiper has an advantage over the rest of us that no amount of practice will allow us to overcome.
The third reason we might consider as to why the Dean has not improved as an ass wiper is that he is simply going through the motions of wiping his ass without an aim for improvement. Indeed, the Dean himself suggests that this is exactly how he goes about the task. “Day after day,” he writes, “I engage this crude activity with regular mindlessness, totally oblivious as to how one might improve at the task.” If the Dean is not a world-class ass wiper, and he practices the same inefficient technique, then, in effect, he becomes the best inefficient ass-wiper he can be, which is to say he does not improve qua ass wiper. It is the same with any other skill. If, for example, a golfer slices the ball every time she tees-off, and she does so using the same method over and over again, she will become a very good ball slicer, but she will not improve qua golfer until she consciously changes her technique with an aim toward improvement.
Thus, Dean, if you do not consider yourself a world-class ass wiper, and you feel that your anus is as sensitive as anyone else’s, I suggest you set about the task of improving your skill by consciously altering your technique with an aim toward improved cleanliness and economy.
28 Oct 2007 at 01:52 pm | #
Perhaps, to test the hypothesis, one would need to eat the same meals for an extend period of time—as not to have wiping technique foiled by ever-changing consistencies, and so forth.
But at the same time, perhaps the ass-wiping virtuoso can improvise, a jujitsu of ass-wiping, if you will.
28 Oct 2007 at 07:40 pm | #
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We think the best test will be after the current city council election. Then the current council members could gather their corporate crony dollar donors and document their opinions and exploding expectations for the return on their investment.
We then could have the crony donors resubmit their survey just before the next council race.
Certainly the best method to crown the ass-wiping champion !
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28 Oct 2007 at 09:16 pm | #
Are you just throwing out bait to get Don the Philospher to ponder, imagine and pontificate endlessly on the act of ass wiping so you can laugh at him? If so, that’s funny.
28 Oct 2007 at 10:46 pm | #
Life is not a race, but a journey. As I laboriously proceed, ever alert, watchful, striving for freedom from fault or defect in order to become the “perfect man” I struggled with life’s natural phenomenon’s. I have mastered cleanliness relating to elimination.
The Stephen “perfect man” Dapper improved elimination cleaning technique requires washing anus rather than wiping. Upon elimination completion reach around flushing toilet, leaning forward, rising slightly, splash clean water from toliet bowl washing anus (male anus washers need to hold hang down to side with one hand washing anus with other) Once mastered “perfect man” cleansing can be used with any type toliet any where. Meanwhile, I suggest following link for home use while struggling to acquire anus washing skills.
http://www.juscuzz.com/
28 Oct 2007 at 11:38 pm | #
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For improvement one must continually check their progress.
Wipe, check, fold continue practice.
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29 Oct 2007 at 12:00 am | #
Sometimes people take their shit to seriously.
29 Oct 2007 at 10:40 am | #
Dean, I think you are the perfect ass wipe.
30 Oct 2007 at 05:55 am | #
I’ll squat for this challenge, Cinci-Dean.
It is nonetheless categorically true in this hugely fattening world of our disparate humanity that when one finally does get just fat enough, however fat that might be by one’s personal taste for such things, it suddenly becomes quite literally a straining physical impossibility to do the deed followed by the wiping last set and, encore.
So while there may be some flattering but still grossly misplaced political taboo concerning “fat” jokes, one must still ponder this circumstance, wondering, in this otherwise insanely luscious world, is there is a similar political proscription against, You stink! jokes? I s’pose if you’re a runnin’ fer ‘lections or sumptin, you gotta kiss all da babies and shake hands wit everyone?
Whatever you do though, don’t for a single second believe someone couldn’t possibly get too fat to swim in a public pool. It ain’t true. If it were true, you can just bet that’s where they’d head to give themselves a good wash-off every time the occasion arose so they wouldn’t stink?
But for insulting, if insulting is what we’re about, and it surely does seem with this younger set it is, we should all consider the advanced state of our cultured age where very nearly 100% of Americans shit into the continent’s quite limited water supply. No more outhouses for Americans! That’s modernization for ya, I guess. Would you though, please hold the water from my coffee?
In Cincinnati, as plenty of other places elsewhere, they run it all through a purifier of dubious sorts, all very scientific of course, and then it is let to drain succinctly into the all too aptly named Ohio River. Come to think of it, now may be a good time to call about cancelling that order for a condo on down by that river.
And while some will jump up and down about how the election process in Ohio is as pure as the driven snow and as smooth as any Ohio baby’s ass, not once in the article, nor even in any of the, for here, quite solid and sordid comments, did any Cincinnatian mention a single hygiene affirming word about how important it is to be sure and wash your hands afterward.
No, that’s not just true for the toilets in restaurants.
So proud Cincinnatian Citizens, when you step into that voting both in a few weeks, or so, if the voting booth is open and hasn’t been moved yet again in your precinct when you get there, for God’s sake, don’t touch anything!
Democracy is an awe inspiring and sometimes wonderful thing, but there’s no reason to go overboard in your endorsement of it and come down with some hidious, creepy, oozing social disease for your civic effort.
And, the next time you’re watching some politican shaking hands in a line, use your mental skill for something other than trying to remember if you did or didn’t clean the kitty’s litter box this month, or last, and measure the guy or gal up that’s running for office. Is that also the hand they do the deed with?
As most aren’t ambidextrous to a fault, it probably is, if they’re not otherwise already too fat to do the deed or otherwise opposed to it on some other philosophic ground.
If that is what you consider philosophy.
Philosophy is the pinnacle of all knowledge, for those who are interested.
Don Robertson, The American Philosopher
31 Oct 2007 at 09:21 pm | #
He can’t resist can he? How about a few dozen paragraphs on the compulsion to comment on every fucking thing that comes down the pike?