On today's date in The Beacon archives, we published:•Tom Callinan is mad as hell, and The Enquirer won’t plagiarize anymore? (2010)
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Posted by The Dean of Cincinnati
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First came the Body Snatchers. Then the Night of the Living Dead. Now our nation must face what may the most cunning and relentless invaders ever. Yes, America, I’m talking about Gothardite Zombies for Huckabee!
As reported by The Cincinnati Beacon, it began in Arkansas. If only we’d heeded the warning signs in plain sight. If only someone had listened when Governor Mike himself admitted that he walked among them:
Then, hiding behind an “aw shucks” grin and a Fender bass, he installed Gothard’s faith-based programs into Arkansas towns, prisons, and schools. When beauty queen Mrs. Arkansas posed for this picture to proclaim “Character Education Month,” did she know the smiling man beside her, in fact, may have been a dead person revived by a sorcerer?
For those unfamiliar with the supernatural, I’m referring to the spooky universe of evangelist Bill Gothard, founder/president of the Institute of Basic Life Principles, a Chicago-area ministry which reportedly “brings in an estimated profit of at least $63 million annually,” yet is relatively unknown outside of the dominionist Christian community.
The reasons for this lack of information are unclear, but one rumor suggests that Gothard possesses a power to cloud the minds of the mainstream media. Despite a growing body of exposes, most reporters have apparently never even heard of Dr. Bill. (The “Dr.” comes from a 2004 PhD from the unaccredited Louisiana Baptist University.)
Lack of media scrutiny may account for why Gothard’s been able to get this far with his particular version of salvation. His critics claim he promotes a wide range of unusual doctrines: that Cabbage Patch dolls are demonic, that “adopted children are affected by the sins of their natural parents, and these sins are usually very severe,” that divorce is always wrong, that wives must be utterly subservient to their husbands, and this from a recent Denver Post article about Matthew Murray, the young Colorado church shooter:
Now The Cincinnati Beacon has learned that Huckabee’s meteoric rise may be attributable to mindless creatures who walk among us and appear human, but who long ago gave up their free will.
It’s widely acknowledged that zombies travel in groups and Bill Gothard’s minions are also a tight-knit bunch. (Among them are powerful Republican pals like GW Bush billionaire buddy Jim Leininger and Texas Congressman Sam Johnson.) Now, given the opportunity to install a US President, other representatives of the walking dead community have been seen dragging their rotting carcasses along Huck’s campaign trail.
One of the first sightings was in Florida. At the end of November, Giuliani was polling as the GOP front-runner at 38%, followed by Romney at 17%. Trailing the pack was Mike Huckabee with a puny 9%. Less than a month later, Huckabee had surged in the polls, reportedly due to the backing of “white evangelical Christians.” What caused this spectacular electoral turnaround in the Sunshine State?
Facts lead to a terrifying possibility - zombie intervention.
After his disappointing showing in November, Huckabee was endorsed by Florida State Senate Majority Leader Daniel Webster. Webster is “one of Florida’s most influential conservative politicians,” according to the Palm Peach Post. Webster is also - you guessed it - a Gothardite zombie.
From the St. Petersburg Times, “Speaker Has Strong Ties to Institute”:
In order to boost Huckabee’s numbers, did someone stick pins in a Rudy voodoo doll? We may never know. But a story in yesterday’s New York Times blog suggests that reanimated bodies are moving north to Iowa:
What the paper of record failed to mention is that the lurking Jim Bob is a…do I really have to say it?
In fact, the Duggar Family are not only full-tilt Gothardites, they’re also celebrity breeders. Jim Bob’s wife Michelle has produced 17 - count ‘em, 17 - little Duggars, and the kids all have names beginning with the letter “J.” According to their website, such prodigious output has landed the Duggars plenty of media attention:
The Discovery Channel’s “Duggar Family” page informs us that Michelle “has been pregnant for 135 months of her life.”
With 19 mouths to feed, do the Duggars have trouble making ends meet? On the contrary, they’re in clover: “As a family project the Duggars built a 7000 sqft. home debt free!,” and recently they purchased a snazzy-looking travel bus from a hockey team - perhaps to travel in style along the Huckabee Hallelujah Trail?
While the rest of us are sweating a mortgage and trying to pay for health insurance, how do those dynamic Duggars do it? Well, besides selling real estate, Jim follows the precepts of “Jim Sammon’s Financial Freedom Seminar.”
What is that, you ask? Oh c’mon, if you’ve read this far, you should know that all happiness and success and freedom - including “financial freedom” - emanates from one source and only one source; a nerdy-looking guy who’s never been married, who hates anything fun, and who looks like he’s been overdoing the Grecian Formula.
On the other hand, there are real advantages to hooking up with a zillionaire evangelist. Let’s face it, times are tough. If I could get some help with the bills and all I had to do was become a mindless slave, would that really be such a bad trade-off?
You know, I’ve spent so much time researching and reading Dr. Gothard’s work, all of a sudden it’s starting to make sense. I feel kind of strange and wonderful, like I’m being bathed in a warm, abundant glow.
Save me a seat on the prayer bus, Jim Bob.
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